If I Talk About It
by seeyouontheice
Summary: Sharon is determined to get to Jac to talk.


"I never really know what to say in situations like these."

"Be honest, and tell her the truth," Sharon advised.

"She'll blame me … say I did it on purpose," Jac muttered anxiously as they headed slowly towards the relatives' room on Darwin.

"We all know that isn't the case Jac," the American told her calmly. "If she had told us about the drugs then you'd known she was going to bleed out. It is not your fault, okay?"

Upon arriving on the ward and learning that Hanssen had okay-ed Jac being on the case, Elliot had dragged Sharon aside and begged her to keep an eye on the fiery haired consultant. He hadn't said why, but the psych consultant had agreed and left it at that. It was only when watching Jac deal with the case that Sharon had begun to realise _why_ Elliot had asked this of her. Sharon didn't know exactly what had happened, but she knew that essentially Jac hadn't been good enough for her mother and so had been literally abandoned without a second's warning.

Jac's feeling of inadequacy was thereby explained in an instant, and also the look in her eyes of one searching for an answer as to _why_ had become clearer too. From what she'd heard, and from what she'd deduced, Sharon could confidently say that Jac Naylor's … issues … were down to the way her mother had treated her from the moment she'd learnt of her existence. Jac had fought hard to hide her jealousy from the girl – her patient … her sister – but Sharon had seen how hard it must've been for her to do so, especially with Paula sitting there comforting the girl in a way she'd never comforted Jac.

"She'll say that it is," Jac repeated stubbornly.

"Why? Why would she say that it's your fault?" this was one woman she needed a serious chat with, Sharon mused as Jac didn't respond. The surgeon paused with her hand ready to open the door and bit her lip, her attention focused upon something behind Sharon. She turned and spotted Jonny with an arm full of files in the process of giving Jac a smile of encouragement … Sharon wondered if he knew, and if the pair had come to their senses yet.

"Ready?" Jac asked, although it was more her asking for permission to go ahead with being the bearer of bad news. For one wild moment Sharon contemplated saying 'no' and thereby making someone else do it, but she simply nodded and followed Jac into the room, closing the door behind them. Catching Jonny's eye, Sharon nodded slightly to reassure him that she wasn't about to let this woman get to Jac in any way and he carried on his rounds.

"Well? How is she?" Paula demanded, "She's alright? You haven't killed her have you?" she was speaking to Jac, who suddenly seemed unable to utter a word. "Because if you've killed her, I swear to God I'll have you locked up!"

"Ms Burrows," Sharon raised her voice to grab the woman's attention. "Will you let Ms Naylor speak?" Paula Burrows huffed and sank onto a chair, waiting impatiently for Jac to get her wits about her and talk.

"I … um …" Jac cleared her throat and took on a tone devoid of any emotion, "because of, um … unknown complications," she began, "I'm afraid to inform you that – er, your daughter did not make it … we did everything we could and –"

"You're lying!" Paula accused, jumping to her feet and pointing at Jac who'd retreated a few steps so she had the wall to protect her back.

"If you'd told us she was on drugs then maybe we could've gotten her the right medication to stop her from bleeding out!" Jac snapped.

"You're blaming _me_?" Paula screeched and Sharon struggled to put herself between mother and daughter. "I didn't kill my child! You don't know _anything_ about being a mother!"

"I didn't kill her," Jac whispered. "Why would I do that?"

But it wasn't heard over the yells and the accusations Paula hurtled through the air at her. It stunned Sharon to see that each word seemed to physically hurt Jac … deciding that things were getting out of hand, she opened the door and yelled for security and for one of her colleagues from the psych ward to be paged. If Sharon hadn't of stepped out from between the two women to open the door and ask for the help then Paula wouldn't have had a clear path to Jac.

"They told me to stop – to stop trying to resuscitate her!"

"You always were a little liar!" Even the two burly security blokes stood shocked when Paula hit Jac sharply across the face with an ease of one who'd done it countless times. In the confusion that followed, Sharon lost sight of Jac and only after the bustle had been calmed down and Hanssen satisfied that Paula was being properly dealt with was the American able to breath.

"Considering past events, any allegations she makes against Jac Naylor will be ignored … the medical history speaks for itself really." Hanssen was saying to Elliot.

"Jac's medical history … but I have the file –"

"– Locked away in the bottom right hand draw of your desk under the particularly length study into Parkinson's disease." Hanssen finished. "Mr Spence mentioned it in passing a while ago and so I picked the lock and read it before returning it before you'd noticed." Sharon was as stunned as Elliot at that bit of news, "incidentally Professor, there was a mouldy doughnut in there which I disposed of for you."

"Th-thank you …"

"I make it my business to know about my staff's physical and emotional well-being. Now if you'll excuse me, I shall have a word with Ms Burrows and explain fully what occurred in theatre this afternoon." With that, the swede stalked off leaving Elliot blinking and Sharon wondering what a conversation with _him_ would entail … Nightmares most probably.

"Have you seen Jac?"

"I think Jonny said something about taking her home."

"Ah …"

"Why?"

"I wanted a word or two … do you know what happened between her and her mother?"

"Not really … I just dealt with the bruises and the odd broken bone when she came in for her check-ups every three months." At Sharon's look he sighed. "She was born with a rare heart condition … I performed a minor operation on her when she was a few hours old and have been monitoring it ever since. Nothing too serious and it's basically healed itself now anyway."

"But she'd come in covered in bruises?" Sharon pestered, "Elliot … did she ever speak to anyone about it?"

Slightly distracted, Elliot picked up yet another pile of notes – Sharon presumed the whole 'paperless ward' thing had gone out the window – and sighed heavily. "I don't know. You know Jac; she keeps it all to herself – well with a mother like hers she could hardly off load her troubles onto her could she? Especially if _she _was the one inflicting the injuries."

Unwilling to let this go, Sharon managed to persuade Elliot to stop by Jac's on their way back to his house … he hadn't needed much persuasion in all fairness; she knew he looked at her like a daughter although he wasn't willing to admit he had a soft spot for Jac Naylor to anyone, not even to her. Shutting the car door behind her, and spotting Jonny's blue run-around car, Sharon followed Elliot across the street and into the lobby of the imposing block of flats.

Jonny answered the door, beckoning them on in as if it were his own home rather than Jac's. Neat and fairly nondescript, Sharon suspected the consultant hadn't bothered much with decorations upon moving in. The furniture also looked as if it had come with the place. Jac was sitting on the sofa in her living room, staring at the blank TV with her feet curled up underneath her. A rather splendid bruise was beginning to form across her cheek. Jac barely glanced up as Elliot bumbled into the room, nor did she speak when Sharon sat down beside her and Jonny suggest ordering a takeaway for them all to share.

"Not the first time she's hit you, is it?"

"You came all the way here, just to tell me that?"

At least it had provoked a response out of her, "well sometimes stating the obvious is necessary," she explained. Tactfully, Elliot suggested to Jonny that they go and pick up the carryout rather than order it over the phone. Reluctantly he nodded, although he did fetch a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and wrapped it in a tea towel for Jac to help minimize the swelling from the bruise across her cheek. She flashed the Scott a small smile and told him that if they got a curry then he'd be the one mopping up her puke. Grinning like a fool, but with concern in his eyes, Jonny informed Elliot he was driving and shut Jac's front door on his way out leaving the two women alone.

"Not hard to see why you've fallen for him," Sharon mused, wanting to get her _talking_.

"I didn't intend to."

"You can't force love Jac, never works if you do."

"I just … we met at this course and used each other as a means to get out of it and … a week later he started working at Holby. I haven't been able to get him out of my mind for longer than a few hours since then."

"Do you regret it?"

Jac frowned and looked at her for the first time since she'd entered the room. "Regret what?"

"You and Jonny – do you regret falling love with him?"

The surgeon thought about it, "no … but I regret all the times I've hurt him. More than anything, I wish I hadn't hurt him like I have."

Sharon had heard – who hadn't? – about the constant on-off between the two, and of the events that had led to the 'off' of their relationship. "He forgave you didn't he?"

"The first time he did … and the second; he called the night we spent together after Tara died a mistake and promised it wouldn't happen again. I turned out to be pregnant and now … now I just don't know what he wants from me."

"That bothers you doesn't it? The not knowing and the not understanding," Sharon asked fully aware that she was right.

Jac put the now semi-frozen peas onto the arm of the settee and closed her eyes. "My life seems to be filled with all these unanswered questions … and I don't understand what it is I'm meant to have done half the time. I don't get what it is that is so utterly wrong with me to drive people away as much as I do."

"There is nothing wrong with you."

Jac gave Sharon a rather amused look, "of course there isn't. I'm simply the victim in all this aren't I?"

"The sarcasm – it's a defensive thing isn't it?"

"What do you want to know Sharon? What is it about me that you're _so_ desperate to find out about?" it alarmed Sharon to find that the woman was boarding on hysterics … although she did sense that Jac was breaking – that her resolve was crumbling and that, providing Sharon asked the right things and said the right things, she would finally start to _talk._

"I wanna help you Jac."

"You can't help me," she muttered as she got to her feet and judging by how pale she'd gone, she headed off to her bathroom in order to empty up her guts. When Jac returned to the front room Sharon felt a twinge of sympathy for her; Jac didn't strike Sharon as the type of woman able to cope with the stress of pregnancy alone. But her pride and her ego didn't – or wouldn't – allow such a thing.

Sharon surveyed the redhead as she sank into the armchair close to the door. "Y'know, sometimes … just talking about it helps."

Jac bit her lip. "If I talk about it, I have to remember."

There was so much pain in those few words and Sharon was at a loss of what to say, so she said the kind of thing her mother would've said; "how about a cup of that infamous British tea?" Jac nodded slowly as Sharon got to her feet and searched for the kitchen. Switching on the kettle, the American then began to search for the tea-making ingredients … logic dictated that things such as mugs, tea bags, sugar, milk and spoons would all be in easy reach of the kettle itself. Opening the cupboard above the kettle Sharon smiled at her logic and pulled out the box of tea bags and the sugar. Milk – obviously – was in the fridge and the spoons in the cutlery draw, which was next to the cooker … after some more rummaging she found the mugs and made the tea.

Jac had turned the TV on, although the mute symbol was displayed in the top right hand corner of the screen explaining why Sharon hadn't heard it. "You gonna tell me how you feel about this pregnancy then?"

"I don't know what to think," she whispered, blowing across her tea in order to cool it although everyone knew that didn't really work. "I just … never thought it would happen."

"Have you never dreamed of having children?" Sharon asked.

"I wanted them yes, but I always figured it would never happen for me," she laughed bitterly, "everyone accuses me of liking the fact I have no family – no one to … to worry about or care about … they all assume it doesn't bother me."

Sharon had to tread carefully here; one false move and Jac Naylor would shut herself off for good and no one would ever have a hope of helping her. "But it does?"

"I never had that … the whole normal and boring family thing. Didn't have tons of cousins and aunts and uncles and annoyingly smug grandparents … didn't even have a mother – not really." Jac was staring at the TV screen as it displayed an old comedy show rerun. "It's all I've ever wanted really; a family."

"Including all the family squabbles?"

Jac smiled slightly, "including them – they're petty I know, but … you only argue because you care about each other and want what's best for someone." Her insight, considering she never experienced it, was remarkably clear and Sharon suspected years on the side-lines watching other people go through it all had given her plenty of time to argue the pros and the cons of having a family.

"What happened Jac?" Sharon asked gently, "what happened to make you so afraid to let people in and trust them?"

When the words came, they were soft and gentle and yet laced with pain and anger and hurt and confusion. It tore at Sharon's heart to hear them – she wanted nothing more than to tell her to stop and to run away from it all – but she sat and listened because she knew that Jac needed this. She knew that Jac needed someone to listen and say nothing and do nothing. Some of the things Jac had done shocked her to the core and if it wasn't for knowing the whole story, Sharon's opinion of the woman would be seriously rewritten. At one point, Jac Naylor's story brought a small trickle of tears to her eyes and Sharon hurriedly dashed them away before they were spotted. If there was one thing she was certain of, it was that Jac couldn't stand – didn't want – sympathy.

With the shuddering conclusion to her tale, well not so much a conclusion as there being nothing more to tell since Jac had no way of knowing the future, the two women sat in silence for a long time, staring at the silent screen as it depicted some actor making a complete fool of themselves purely for entertainment values. "Where have they gone? To Jupiter?"

Sharon smiled, "I think Elliot said something about a good Chinese place on Pluto actually."

"Jonny'll take the scenic route."

Picking up her empty mug and then collecting Sharon's Jac headed into her kitchen and a second later the American heard the definite sound of the kettle once again being put on to boil. The English sure did like their tea, she mused before joining the consultant in the kitchen. Whereas in the front room only the lamps had been alight, washing the room in a rather warm glow, the kitchen was filled with the harsh unyielding lights that gave everything an edge. Observing the woman, Sharon noted how … tired she seemed and wondered when the last time she had a good night's sleep was or if the sickness was keeping her up.

"You look exhausted Jac," she told her getting nothing more than a shrug in response. "Will you tell your mother about being pregnant?"

"So she can tell me how badly I'm going to screw it all up? I don't think so."

"What makes you say you'll screw it up?" despite having been told it all – the entire life story of Jac Naylor – there were still many things a mystery about the redhead. What on earth went on in that mind of hers?

"Only the fact that I've screwed up every other good thing that's ever happened to me," she retorted before excusing herself and dashing to the bathroom again, although Sharon suspected it was her bladder rather than her gut messing her about this time.

Standing outside the bathroom Sharon called through the door, "okay so you ruined things between you and Joseph and then again with you and Jonny … but both of them forgave you didn't they? Both of them have offered you that family you crave right?"

"Can I pee in peace please?"

"Fine … I'll give Elliot a ring and see where they are with that food," pulling out her mobile and dialling Elliot's number she waited for the heart surgeon to pick up and tell her how long he and Jonny were likely to be. By the time Jac emerged from the bathroom Sharon was satisfied in knowing that their takeaway was only a mere five minutes away. She informed Jac, who merely said if they'd got curry then someone would get castrated. "Are you not even going to try again with Jonny?" Sharon asked.

"That's not the point." Jac muttered, placing her front door on the latch so that Jonny and Elliot would be able to walk right in.

"Oh? What you want more than anything is a family; you're in love with a man who had already begun to offer you that … you're _pregnant_ with his child … tell me why trying again with him isn't the point?"

"Because," Jac said patiently, "he's moved on." She left Sharon in the hall spluttering and ready to throttle her for being so overly stupid and blind while she grabbed plates and cutlery. Seriously, this woman was her own worst enemy … she hoped to high heaven that Jonny still had some scrap of sense in his Scottish brain; if he was of the opinion Jac had moved on then Sharon would seriously consider counselling for herself.

At that moment the door banged open and hit the wall as Jonny – clearly aware that Jac had put the door on the latch – backed into the small flat weighed down with brown takeaway bags full of unhealthy food. "See, told ya; door was open."

"Yes … well …" Elliot mumbled carrying a large box of doughnuts. Seriously, the man was never without them. "We've got Chinese – apparently a pizza is off-limits for whatever reasons."

"Because Jac'll chuck if I had brought pizza." Jonny explained sounding to Sharon like he'd already explained at least a dozen times already.

"It's the smell," the woman in question supplied as she joined them in the hall, "now, as fascinating as the hallway is can we all move so I can shut the door?"

Elliot shut the door and they all traipsed into the front room where Sharon decided she would be in charge of dishing out the food. She knew all too well how much men ate when they were hungry – and by the looks of them, Jonny and Elliot were near starving. Much to Jac's annoyance, Jonny grabbed the remote and turned to the sports channel in time to catch the last half of some football match. Jac sat quietly in her corner of the sofa listening to Jonny try to explain the off-side rule to Elliot while Sharon flicked through the TV guide her attention switching between the two men and Jac.

When the game ended – Jonny's team losing although from his expression it was a regular occurrence – Jac seized control over the remote. Sharon perched on the arm of Elliot's seat as they watched Jac and Jonny argue good naturedly over what they wanted to watch next. Eventually Jac won, although Sharon detected Jonny had simply let her … something told her that the Scott had always intended to let her have her own way, but that he enjoyed winding her up too much to miss an opportunity.

He shook his head and grabbed the plates before heading to the kitchen, after a moment's thought Sharon followed him. Elliot was too absorbed in his conversation with Jac – some new cardiac treatment thing – to notice her get up and leave the room although Sharon didn't mind. Jonny was busy washing the dirty plates up in the sink, humming something that sounded like 'She's Always a Woman to Me' as he did so.

Sharon searched for a way to voice what it was she wanted to say; eventually she just blurted it out uncharacteristically. "Jac loves you, you know."

There as a small knowing smile on his face as he grabbed a tea towel and dried his hands, "I know," he stated.

"You – you know?"

"This is Jac … when she says 'I love you' it's not something she'd say lightly is it?"

Sharon watched him, "And what about you?"

Jonny folded the tea towel up carefully and hung it over the oven handle, "with Jac you need to take things one wee step at a time."

"So you're just going to let her believe that you've moved on until you're ready to play happy families with her?"

Jonny was smiling – which annoyed Sharon; this man had the fragile heart of Jac Naylor in his hands and he seemed to be enjoying the fact that he was playing with it like a toy! "I didn't say that … look; I know what I'm doing okay? I aint gonna hurt her or anything like that alright? It'll happen when it happens … thing is, I can't tell her how I feel and have her accept it until she's ready to hear me say it to her."

He seemed so certain of the fact that Sharon believed him and let the subject drop, confident that Jonny was prepared to give Jac everything she wanted at the drop of a hat. All she needed to do was open her eyes and realise that Jonny was standing right beside her. "Well … if we drop enough hints, maybe she'll get the picture sooner, huh?" Laughing he turned to the fridge as Elliot entered carrying his box of doughnuts. "Where's Jac?"

"She's asleep," Elliot told them, "I turned the television off and just left her there. She seems exhausted."

"She will be," Sharon pointed out, "she's had a tough day and not to mention the fact she almost twenty weeks pregnant."

"Did you talk to her then?" Elliot asked taking a large bite out of a doughnut and making Jonny chuckle at the face he had to pull to ensure half the thing fitted in to his mouth. "About whatever it was you wanted to talk to her about?"

"Oh yeah we talked … had a long chat about – well … everything." Then she turned to the two men – the old professor busy dusting sugar off his shirt while the young Scottish nurse searched Jac's fridge for a beer. "What took you two so long anyway?"

Jonny didn't answer, his head stuck in the fridge while Elliot coughed uncomfortably. "Yeah … er … well we got a wee bit lost …"

"You got lost?" Sharon asked Jonny as he emerged beerless from the fridge.

"Yup … well I say lost, more …"

"Took the long way round?" Elliot supplied.

"A _very_ long way round …"

"Round Holby in fact …"

"Twice …"

"I thought it was three times?"

"It might've been …"

"You two are lucky Jac's asleep!" Sharon told the pair. "How can you get lost in Holby?"

"Jonny would get lost in his own kitchen if it weren't for the fact his flat is open-plan." So Jac wasn't asleep then, but Sharon detected the same exasperated amusement in her eyes that she felt and knew that the redhead found this just as hilarious as she had. "You'd better not have passed on your hopeless sense of direction onto this baby," she threatened Jonny.

Sharon smiled as she and Elliot once again watched the couple. "Face it Jac, our kid is screwed; you're as useless as I am when it comes to directions."

Jac looked like she was about to deny it but she just shrugged her shoulders in defeat, "well I'm still blaming you, okay?"

"Aye if it makes ya feel better … thought Elliot said you were sleeping?"

She shrugged, "you lot talk to loudly."

"I think," Elliot said offering Jac a doughnut which she refused, "that's our cue to leave?" he said to Sharon, who blinked and checked her watch.

"At quarter to eleven on a school night – definitely," Jac followed them into the hall and leant against the door to what Sharon figured was her bedroom and watched them as they gathered their things together.

"What you doing?" she asked Jonny, who was lingering in the front room doorway uncertainly. The way she phrased the question made both Sharon and Elliot look up and watch them intently, Sharon suspected that Jonny had been using Jac's living room as his second home ever since finding out he was going to be a dad.

He shrugged, "d'you want me to stay?"

"Do you want to?"

Sharon rolled her eyes, honestly, they were like teenagers! Knowing full well that Jonny would be staying the night at Jac's – and half wondering how long it would be before he switched the sofa for her bed – Sharon chivvied Elliot out of the door and bade the two good night. "You know where I am Jac – if you wanna talk some more, yeah?"

It was Jac's turn to roll her eyes. "You'll be banging on my door long before that day."

Sharon smiled, "S'pose you're right there … Jonny?"

"Is me name," he grinned.

"You know what you're doing … g'night."

As she and Elliot headed for the lift she could've sworn she heard Jonny complain about the comfortableness of the sofa and Jac saying that it any worse than his own bed before the sound of Jac's front door closing and the ping of the elevator arriving. "They're giving me a headache those two."

Sharon smiled at him, "oh it won't be too long before they're love's young dream again," she reassured him before kissing his cheek and hitting the button for the ground floor.


End file.
